Bite Me: MaryJanice Davidson and the Feisty Undead

Guilty pleasure confession from this past weekend: MaryJanice Davidson's Betsy the Vampire Queen series, kicking off with the hilarious travails of an outspoken heroine who just so happens to be immortal...but wishes she had a pedicure before she died. Midwest gal Betsy Taylor is mowed down by the soccer mom's weapon of choice - an SUV - only to find herself rising from the grave in the same week in "Undead and Unwed." Thus begins the chronicles of Betsy the Vampire Queen, who rules with a manicured fist... and her very sexy consort Eric Sinclair. Now at 7 books (so far!), Davidson's heroine has triumphed over rebellious minions, a scary vampire King, an attic zombie, a manic librarian, and her own pesky blood craving problem (solved by one very accomodating husband).

While real-life vampire wannabes scare the crap out of me, I did have my Lestat/Louis** crush in the aftermath of Interview with the Vampire. Yes, I bought the Anne Rice books and watched Buffy/Angel (sigh) religiously. I thought I left the bloody fiends behind until I added one of Davidson's pastel-covered books in my basket of chick lit (I'm dreadfully shallow when picking books from the library's humor section. A cute cover gets me every time). After breezing through a predictable "Dedication," the latest from "The Nanny Diaries" authors Emma McLaughlin and Nicola Kraus, I sat down and read Davidson's insane vampire chronicles in a few hours. Hot undead sex scenes? Check. Glamorous vampires? Check. Cute werewolf side stories? Check. Adorable vampire slayer? Check. An unstrained brain throughout this literary experience? Check, check, CHECK. It's not Tolstoy, chicas. But it was fun. Betsy isn't into all the vampire bullshit - and she swears like a sailor. Would Lestat be aghast? Something tells me he'd ask her liven up the perpetually moaning members of his coven.

The side characters are pretty awesome - especially her half-sister, the Anti-Christ Laura, the spawn of Satan who moonlights as a Born-Again prude to rebel against her famous mother (yeah, the Devil is a woman...who looks like Lena Olin). But let's not forget Antonia the psychic werewolf; knitting George, the former Fiend; Jon the vampire slayer with a massive crush on the Queen; Tina the lesbian minion; and a slew of wisecracking monsters and mortals. Speaking of mortals, most of the series' major characters live together in a mansion owned by Betsy's best friend Jessica. It's a wacky, weird kind of Full House sans Stamos, a dysfunctional family of freaks not unlike one's own gene pool, with supernatural weapons and fangs. I would also advise reading these books with access to a cold shower if alone...Betsy, you minx! While the sex scenes ARE steamy, it seems the immortals mate for eternal life - so the romance novel lover in me is more than satisfied by the happily ever...and ever...and forever resolutions to the various relationships in the books.

Davidson IS Betsy, by the way. "I don't know about you guys, but I'd rather be reading a book than listening to some self-important idiot blathering about - as Elaine from Seinfeld put it - `the excrutiating minutiae of everyday life,'" says the lady behind all those eye-popping biting scenes between the Queen and Sinclair. Perhaps this is why she speaks best through fantasy characters like vamps, werewolves and mermaids (yes, there's a series too!). She doesn't take herself seriously, a trait I appreciate in a contemporary author, especially when she writes in BOTH my favorite genres.

"I mean, the whole reason I brought up Betsy in the first place was because I was tired of the broody ancient vampire protagonist paired with the trusting virginal no-bad-qualities-at-all heroine," writes the author in her blog. "If I go to the bookstore today, there are all kinds of nutty heroines getting into trouble in the paranormal world, mistresses (sort of) of their own destiny. That works for me...I admit it: I like my romances frothy. Angst = yawn, as far as I'm concerned."

Thanks MJ, for breathing new life into depressed vampire lore. If Rice ever returns to her roots, one hopes a few fanged smiles are in order. After all, you can only spend so many lifetimes kvetching. At some point, you should fall in love...and get your nails done.

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** Lestat and Louis, ah such an ill-starred screen couple. One bad movie about a crazy primordial queen, a spiteful eternal toddler and ancient depression have kept them apart. Add one Born Again author who has denounced her best-selling series, and we may never see that ONE on-screen kiss/bite that should've happened.

You know there will be an Anne Rice post some day.